A caftan by any other name would actually be called a muumuu. Why do we fall victim to these hideous fashion trends? I have seen caftans cost upwards of almost $7000. That’s right, a wearable tent for $7000! Are you kidding me? Go get me one of your ugliest sheets, make sure it’s got some fugtrocious pattern on it, and bring me scissors. I’ll cut you a hole for your head to fit through and voila, a caftan! I’ll only charge you $19.95. I know what you’re thinking though, not me, I’m not going to be caught dead wearing a caftan. Here’s why you lie.
Day in and day out, you will be bombarded with images of the caftan. You will see them in all your magazines as the new trend for spring. You will see one, just one that catches your eye. You’ll be tricked. They will have thrown in a slight V at the neck and a not so floral, floral pattern. Black, white, and yellow it will be, hot right? You will be tricked again when you see just a glimmer of a defined waist, but NO….that’s camera trickery my friend. The model is pinned in to the caftan or they belted it and the belt, as we know, is NEVER included with the dress. A v neckline, a waist, noooooooo, that’s not a caftan, that’s just a maxi dress mistaken for a caftan. So you will e-mail the picture to your friend and your friend will tell you to buy it. You will not do it yet. You will not do it until you see a celebrity in that very caftan, maxi, caftan, maxi…. and say, that’s it! I must have it. Then and only then will you run to the store and purchase it. You will wear it once. It looks nothing like it did in the magazine or on the famous person you just saw wearing it. It will hang in your closet until the end of time or until you clean it out for Goodwill. Think about it, how many times have you done what I described? More than once, I know you have. ; ) Don’t worry though, you’re not alone.
I live by the beach. $5 says I buy a caftan, call it a “beach cover-up” and live in the damn thing. Or, I find kiddie versions and force my children to engage in the viciousness that is the fashion trend. This brings me to another trend that one should NEVER engage in. I’m serious. As an adult, if I catch you wearing this, I will point and laugh. What am I talking about? The adult jumper! Jumpers should only ever be worn by young children. Jumper, jumper….just saying the word sounds childlike. Yet, the masses of women run to buy these frumpy dumpy sacks and wear them like it’s nothing. Listen, anything that requires me to strip naked in public just to pee, is nothing that I want to be wearing. If you tell me not to worry about that because the jumper you just bought has a snap crotch, I rest my case even further. A snap crotch!!?? You know who else wears snap crotch clothing? NEWBORNS! Do you know how annoying it is to snap up 10 little crotch snaps? And that’s on a baby. I can just imagine the public restroom stall chaos that would occur with me trying to snap up my own crotch or not have my crotch flap touch the bathroom floor while trying to squat pee. It would be even worse if we had to go back to my original scenario that has me taking the entire top half off because that’s the only way to get it down. Gross with a big old capital G!
So readers, what’s going to be the fashion trend that you fall into? The primary color pants? The caftan? The adult jumper? The miami vice boyfriend jacket? No no, it’s going to be the Michael Kors Wetsuit Dress! (google that, you’ll thank me later) I should have just kept all my clothing from the 80’s, that way I wouldn’t have to go shopping come spring. I bet if I go to Goodwill I can find it all. ; )